Quitting Diet Coke & The Terrible Thirst

Me: You know what's great about giving up diet coke?

Ben: What?

Me: NOTHING!! Nothing is good about giving up diet coke, it's fucking pointless and stupid and pointless! Seriously, I have not noticed any difference!! No headaches, no increased energy, no improved hydration! I'm losing weight only because I'm dieting in the week AND THAT’S ANOTHER THING! I'm not eating carbs during the week, I'm not drinking during the week, I'm limiting sugar and I ALSO can't drink diet coke! It's double balls and bollocks!!!!

Ben: (pauses while he finishes his toast) Your skin looks better.

Me: I...! What?

Ben: Your skin is very bright. You’ve drinking more water, and you have less blemishes.

Me: ...Really?

Ben: Yes.

Me: Oh. Oh. Well. Wait, are you saying I had blemishes before?

(Ben puts his head in his hands)

Lessons in Libations at Le Mouton Rouge

Me: Darling, there’s a beer tasting at Le Mouton Rouge this Saturday.

Beau: Beer?

Me: Yes. Shall we go?

Beau: Beer. I mean, yes

…..The conversation sounded longer in my head.

Happy birthday to the blog, everyone look at me

(The world scampers to The DG’s office door, and raps upon it excitedly)

World: Come out! Come out! You must come out, it’s your birthday!

(Sound of empty bottles clattering to the floor)

Me: Hmm, what what? I’m awake, I’m awake, I was writing, I swear to God I was writing! (Sound of the Invictus advert playing on loop) Oh Christ, close down, close down! Where the hell is the mouse?!

World: But Demon Gin, you must come out, you’re one year old and there is fun to be had!

Me: (Rubbing bridge of nose) Ok could everyone just SHHHHHHH for FIVE seconds?! Okay…..okay…okay…(sound of bottle being opened)….okay, what’s going on?