The Ten Commandments of Gin

It is World Gin Day, tiny darlings. Everybody get naked!

We shouldn’t need to be reminded of gin’s loveliness, of why our beloved spirit is a holy elixir of truth and beauty, but who am I to shun an entire day of gin talk/drinking/bathing?

This weekend, I shall be reviewing new gins at the sensationally sexy Junipalooza (read my write of last year’s extravaganza here, here click here now) and bringing you other gin-based banter via the blog and Twitter.

In the meantime, it is only right that we should all start World Gin Day with the sacred and ancient Ten Commandments of Gin that I just made up.

1. Thy Lord is thy gin, thou shalt have no others but it.
2. Remember thy garnishes, to keep them citric.
3. Thou shalt not make unto thee any homemade gin. In a bucket, using dried juniper berries, an entire pepper grinder, spring water, magic fairy dust, and a piece of a burger. At 3am. Because this is why he left you.
4. Thou shalt not take thy gin’s name in vain, not in anger, sadness or the height of passion.
5. Thou shall not buy cheap tonic, thinking ‘ah it’ll be fine, it’ll be fine’. It’s like smearing fillet steak with, I don’t know, mud.
6. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s gin. Unless it’s Sipsmiths. If it is, steal it and then burn their house down to cover the evidence. (Don’t to that. But do)
7. Thou shall sit on the stairs for no more than 5 minutes, and cry only about beautiful things.
8. Honour thy favourite distiller, and send them biscuits.
9. Thou shalt not, after a few gins, say “I’m not gay, but that is one fine looking woman.” Especially if you’re a doctor about to tell someone they have cancer.
10. Thou shalt not bear false witness against the gin. It is never the gin’s fault.
11. Thou is a funny word, why don’t we say it any more? I’m going to ask the gin, the gin will know.
12. The thing about Christopher Lee was that he had CLASS. Layers, man, his characters had layers and OOO remember the first time you saw the end of The Wicker Man. I was all like ‘whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?’. Seriously, I threw a cat at the screen.
13. Oh my god, this song is all about ME.
14. What? What? Oh shit, I’m still typing.