Grim Visages - Face Painting for Grown-Ups

Some people let their inner child out at Christmas. I let mine out at Halloween.

And also when I’m drinking gin and eating chicken at 1am and I find out Psycho is on TV.

My delightful friend Al (follow her on Twitter @algriffs) took a jaunt to the British Library at the end of October for a special evening party celebrating their sensational exhibition Terror & Wonder: The Gothic Imagination.

Terror and Wonder: The Gothic Imagination (Pic from The British Library)

Ten Things Not To Do....In A Job Interview

So I recently got a new job. This means that I did not monumentally screw up the interview, and that my various witty remarks were not quite as insane as they sounded in my head.

Perhaps I have finally learned how to be cool in such situations, after so many years of sitting in interview rooms muttering "I'm a people person" while sweating profusely from my ears.

In celebration of my success, I thought I would share with you my top tips on how to avoid disaster in a job interview. I think you'll find them thorough, and applicable to all situations.  

1. When the interviewer asks how you are, don’t bang the table with your fist and scream “I’ll ask the questions, dammit!”
2. When they ask your name, never pretend to be Wagner. 
3. Don’t bring pretty pictures you’ve drawn in crayon to the meeting. Unless you’re an artist. If you’re an artist, that’s probably a good idea. 
4. Don’t, when asked about your personal interests, state ‘Jesus’ or ‘your mum’.
5. If you start crying, don’t say it’s because you have faulty eyes from when a Romanian drug dealer tampered with them on the same night you were called up by the US army to build a bomb to destroy Commi-Nazis trying to sell your only mother into the used car trade. 
6. When asked how you deal with difficult situations, don’t make the international hand gesture for sexual intercourse, and say quietly “I always find a way”.
7. Don’t start sentences when you have no idea how to finish them. E.g. “Outside of work, I am an amateur dramatic…ist.” (This actually happened).
8. Don’t walk in wearing a wedding dress, and say "if I get this job, I'm sure he'll come back".
9. Don't walk smugly around your interviewer's desk before coming very close to their face and saying: "I'm going to enjoy working in THIS office." 
10. Then, when the interviewer points out that you are actually both sitting in a local café, don't deal with the situation by trying to hide in your own shirt.

Babies + Offices = Kirsty

I sit in my office. I hear a strange sound in the distance, like a murder of crows crossed with stampeding elephants. I look up from my desk. 

A woman I barely know is standing there, disheveled but looking oddly pleased about it. I’m not sure if she works here…maybe she's from legal or….Oh Christ. 

In her hand, I see it. A baby carrier. And it’s full.

Do Androids Dream of Dead Parents?

If ever there were 12 words guaranteed to make a person’s stomach churn, they are “I SOOOOO need to tell you all about my dream last night!”

Add the words “It had my dead parents in it” and people will run like UKIP runs from rationality.

As a rule I don’t really discuss my dreams or personal torments with others; I fear I will bore them while not providing enough snacks.

Yet a couple of nights ago, I had one of the most affecting dreams I’ve ever had about my dear departed mother and father. It was beguiling, mesmerizing, and left me wandering the streets (by which I mean my house) muttering “woaaaaaaaahhh”.

I decided I wanted to talk to someone about it. (Pinches bridge of nose at memory of this decision)

Things I Have Written While Drunk

I was going through my notes on the iPad last night, and discovered a single page with six words typed on it.

They read: “Monkey description, work out their age!!!”

I could not for the life of me remember why I had written it. It looked as though it had been written a week ago, at about 1am. But that’s silly, because I was nowhere near a monkey last weekend, that I know of. I was in the pub and…

In Which I Fire A Gun

Spring is here, spring is here, life is skittles and life is beer!

Doesn’t it just fill you with joy, the spring weather? The dappled sunlight through stretching trees, the burst of green on brown branches, the smell of freshly cut protestant.

With the good weather comes the need to do things outside. It was for this reason that I agreed, as some of you may have seen on my Twitter feed, to go shooting last weekend.

A Tall Tale of Great Minds

A tall tale from 2008. It's not real.

It had been some weeks since his last case had concluded, and Holmes was oddly quiet. When not fixated on an unsolved riddle, he was prone to long periods of quiet contemplation. It was not for me to try to shake him out of this reflective state. I’ll admit I rather enjoyed those quiet times when I could lose myself in books while he journeyed to the depths of his magnificent mind.

So it was that we spent one peaceful evening in front of the fire, me with a glass of port at my elbow and a book in hand, and the great detective sitting across from me, lost in thought. An hour passed in silence, and I felt my mind beginning to drift. It was then, quite unprompted, that he spoke.

“Yes, my old friend,” he said softly, a calm knowing smile on his face. “It was a truly awful piece of fish.”

I shook my head, dumbfounded. “But...”

Holmes held up his hand to silence me, smiling and nodding. “I know, I know. Let me explain how I just read your thoughts.”

I sat open mouthed as he began to speak.

“First, I saw you flicking through the Shakespeare tragedies, and a look of awe and reverence crossed your face. It was clear that you had been reading Hamlet, and you were confused by the sheer brilliance of the words. Then I saw you turn to look at the fire, your mind still lingering on literature, you no doubt thought: ‘what if I burned all of the books I didn’t understand?’ 

"Then, from your glance at the chimney, I deduced you were pondering just how much smoke it would take to make the chimney explode. You then looked down at your shoes, clearly thinking how the word ‘explode’ sounds a bit like ‘toes’ and that if you only had one toe, which one would you want to keep. That was when you glanced at me, knowing how I once lost a bit of my toe when I was nine and my father came at me with a carving knife in a drunken rage, and that I told you that story while standing on London Bridge watching a boat with exactly 25 tourists sailing underneath us. 

"If you take four away from 25 and then divide it by 7 you get three, and it was three years ago I suggested we visit that restaurant in Oxford Street that reportedly serves the best roast beef in England. Your look at the grandfather clock only confirmed this point, and that was when I remembered that we didn’t actually go there in the end because it was shut and you were so hungry that I made you eat that bit of discarded cod I found in a dustbin.”

Holmes reclined slowly in his chair, and nodded softly once again. “Yes, my friend, it really was a truly awful piece of fish.”

I gulped. “Umm, actually....I was just thinking that I need a new watch.”

“OH WELL FUCK OFF THEN!!!!!!!!!!”

He didn’t say much after that. Though he did leap up at random points of the evening and slap me around the face and neck.

A Week of Days and Tankus The Henge

It is Valentine’s Day later this week, but let’s not forget the other days. Days like Wednesday and Sunday.

There will be no escaping the Valentine's Day massacre betwixt those who believe in cupid and those who think the occasion has an apt abbreviation.The war will be raged in offices, with pink princess hurling stuffed teddies, floral bouquets and champagne truffles at a sea of black-garbed goths, who spew out fire and God-awful songs about female independence while pointedly refusing to shave.

But if you think Valentine’s Day is bad, let’s look at some of the other national days so frequently forgotten at this time of year.

Today (Monday) is…

Umbrella Day

I’m not sure what this means, or what you are supposed to do, but I like to think that it came about in the following way.

Dying powerful man: “I wish…for a special day to mark my passing…”

Son: “Oh father, I will see to it! I will ensure that you are honoured in - ”

Dying powerful man: “And it shall be called Umbrella Day.”

Son: “………you want your day to be named ‘Umbrella Day’, even though that isn’t your name. And you’ve never had anything to do with umbrellas in your career. And you’ve never even owned one.”

Dying powerful man: “Umbrella.”

Son: (To his mother) “How much morphine has he had?”

Mother: “Oh just do it, it’s his dying wish.”

Son: “Seriously? I have to go out and find some way to make February 10^th a day in which everyone in the world gives thanks to their brollies, and the only explanation for my father’s desire to see this happen is ‘umbrella’?”

Mother: “You older brother would do it.”

Son: “Stop going on about Craig! You ALWAYS take his side, just because he once shook hands with Burt Bacharach!”

Tuesday is…

White shirt day

This marks the end of a union strike by employees of General Motors in 1937. Sadly I can’t think of anyone who will realize they are acknowledging it when they dress tomorow morning. But a high proportion of office workers may be labelled communists…

Satisfied Staying Single Day

Of course you are. That’s why you had to dedicate an entire day to showing people how fine you are with it. 

Extraterrestrial Culture Day

This day is officially recognized in New Mexico, and is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard of.

Pro Sport Wives Day

Essentially, the wives of pro-sports stars are recognized for all the hard work they do at home to support and love their amazing husbands. Read the following:

“Many pro sports wives act as silent partners and household managers: they keep their darling athletes focused; determined to win and succeed in meeting their dreams; to create the beautiful feeling of being a winner in every heart in the country. Pro Sports Wives Day is held...to support the cause, all you need to do is make sure that you respect the hard work which these women must go through to aid their husbands as best as possible.” 

Let’s take a moment to picture the disgruntled sports wife who came up with this. And what monumentally stupid thing their husband did to warrant this kind of grovelling. 

And also remember that it only applies to the little ladies who stay at home because pro-sports stars ARE NOT GAY OR WOMEN.

Wednesday is….

Darwin Day

Birthday of Kent’s own Charles Darwin, the father of evolution and annoyer of religious types the world over. Mark the day by constantly asking a Christian to explain thumbs.

Thursday is….

Get a Different Name Day

The perfect day to commit identity fraud, or pretend to be Batman. It WILL hold up in court.

Madly In Love With Me Day

You’re starting to see how the approach of Valentine’s Day affects people’s brains? Created by a self-help guru, this day is geared entirely at ladies on the premise that ‘in order for a woman to show true love to others, she must first be empowered to love herself with apology’.

So….spend all day focusing on how much you love yourself…..then spend Valentine’s Day demanding further attention. Honestly, sharing a day of love is not enough? It's a little bit like playing a sport in a group, but someone who isn’t very good at is ‘allowed’ extra tries or points because because because or they won’t play.

 

Friday is….

Well we all know, but here are some handy alternatives:

Pet theft awareness 

Some people will do anything to cover the fact that they forgot to buy a Valentine’s gift

Ferris Wheel day 

Sit on a ferris wheel and watch the world go by SO ALONE

Donor Day 

In the US, February 14^th is also national donor day to encourage people to register for organ donation. Wherever you are in the world, please become an organ donor. If you haven’t already, stop fanning about with stuffed toys and those giant walking balloons, and give a gift that actually matters 

Saturday is…

World Whale Day

Because you are so fat from the Valentines indulgences. No, no, no, I jest! This is an annual one day festival in Hawaii to celebrate the humpback whale and to raise awareness of conservation threats.

Hippo Day

This one IS because you are so fat.

******

A WORD ABOUT THE HENGE 

 Last night (a Sunday of all things) I went to The Gulbenkian café bar to watch Tankus the Henge.
The lovely Miscriant will publish a fuller post on this gig in due course, no doubt, as she actually brought her camera with her, where as I forgot mine and had eight seconds of battery left on my phone to take one picture. But I wanted to share a few words nonetheless.

I first encountered this eclectic sextet of Londoners at in The Playhouse Tent of last year’s Lounge on the Farm festival. Having co-hosted the Boom and Bang circus’ evening show, zoot-suited front man Jaz Delorean wheeled his smoking-spewing upright to centre stage and he and his cohorts on lead guitar, bass, drums, trumpet and sax embarked on a finale set that blew my tiny mind.

I could have put my enjoyment that night in a Canterbury field down to the festival haze, or the eight pints I’d had that day, or the strange incantation the woman at the octopus curry stall had said over my food when I refused to compliment her glasses. But Sunday’s show reinforced my acclaim.

Their sound is hard to describe - a cross between Madness and a Balkan carnival troupe, with some jazz funk touches and all delivered in a gravelly cockney drawl. The arrangements are tight and the mood is deliciously decadent, plus any band that goes to such lengths to entertain their audiences wins my vote.

I strongly urge anyone with the ability to crawl to go and see this band on their travels. They are everything a great live act should be – larger than life, witty, theatrical, friendly and frighteningly talented. They are also a thoroughly nice bunch of chaps, and were extremely chatty with spectators after the show.

Find them on Facebook, Twitter, Spotify and iTunes.

But don’t listen to me, though, don’t you listen to me, shush, shoo, stop – observe:

Interlude - Rudolpho

Rudolpho swung his cape around his shoulders and cackled insanely for a bit. He regarded himself in the mirror, and smirked so hard that his hat fell off.

The flintlock pistol jutted proudly from his waistband. The stilettos strapped to his thigh glinted in the candlelight. The vials of acid glowed in his velvet bandolier like grim emeralds. His expression promised unmentionable pain and misery to those who dared near him.

There was one final accoutrement to add to the ensemble, the last and most important weapon in his arsenal, the one item that would command everyone in his path. With a smug smile, Rudolpho clipped a big bunch of keys to his belt.

“Let’s see accounts try to stop me using their photocopier now.”

Originally penned in 2008

Ten Things Not To Do…In The Event Of Sex

Essential advice for when you are most in need. Please don't listen to any of it.

A Curious Thing

A child just walked past my desk. A female one. Walking quite contentedly in the direction of something, unhindered and unperturbed.

I peer over the top of my computer screen, not at all happy and but trying not to draw attention to myself lest it ask for milk. It disappears around the corner.

It was fairly tall. In fact it was adult sized. In fact, it might have been an adult. A woman, even. In the distance, I swear I hear the words “Bring the labels” being muttered.

I look around the rest of the office. No one has raised the alarm or met my worried gaze. Where is its owner? Why is it here?

It was heading in the direction of the extra desks we’ve set up in order to accommodate the extra staff we need to take all extra calls about being alive. Perhaps this possible infant is new. Perhaps it has been here 30 years and I’ve just not noticed. I must investigate.

I stand slowly, and clear my throat, not taking my eyes off the corner wall for a second.

“Who’s for a nice cup of tea?” I announce, and lift a tray slowly to eye level (I always keep a tray handy for such occasions). There’s no one else here, everyone else is at lunch, but it was important to at least ask.

I step out from my desk, and walk forward at a steady pace. I turn the corner, tray in hand, and head straight for the kitchen, my eyes seemingly fixed forward but in reality they are scanning the office for traces of this being.

No trace, no sign. All I see are grown ups, normal people who are working and are no cause for concern. The figure has vanished....perhaps it was a ghost?

Or it could be sitting over there, where that woman I've not seen before but looks perfectly normal is sitting.

Or a ghost?

I don’t know what’s going on.

Crossing The Border

I once entered America.

I was on foot. I walked across water by means of a bridge. The Rainbow Bridge they called it. It was not rainbow coloured.

How To Make No One Want You

Valentine's Day is a mere something weeks away, and no one wants to be alone on Valentines Day. No one does, not even those people who say “I'm spending it alone, I don't care, I don't even care, Valentine's Day can suck it.” You'll find them, soon enough, in a sex club with a red rose and a smile that says “literally anyone”.

Happy New Year, There Is No Hope

New Year is upon us. Some of you are back at work. I'm not. I'm sooooo not.

Now, I had started writing a post about 2014, new year's resolutions and my thoughts on this period of transitional panicking. But the time is still not right for me to share these musings. First, you must see where I have come from.

So instead here is a piece I wrote a while ago, in 2013. I think you'll find it has that 'new year, new outlook' feel we're all looking for at this time of year...

The Great Unknown

A man presented his wife to me the other day.

The man was of a certain age. Certainly about 63. He was actively twitching with agitation and embarrassment. His wife was a short wide-eyed figure, like a deer caught in the headlights or a child being told 'it’s off to market for you, fat boy'. 

Today

It worries me how often I am compelled, when writing reports at work, to add in the sentence “and if this does not go to plan, eight puppies will die”.

Sometimes I write said words on a post it note, and look at them for a while. Then I return to my keyboard, and forget all about it.

I go to the bank today

I go to the bank today to ask them to change my name on my account.

A boy child sits behind a desk and smiles a lot.

Things I have seen

I’m pretty sure I’ve just seen Terry Pratchett in our boardroom…….it’s possible. Not likely. But possible.