Quitting Diet Coke & The Terrible Thirst

Me: You know what's great about giving up diet coke?

Ben: What?

Me: NOTHING!! Nothing is good about giving up diet coke, it's fucking pointless and stupid and pointless! Seriously, I have not noticed any difference!! No headaches, no increased energy, no improved hydration! I'm losing weight only because I'm dieting in the week AND THAT’S ANOTHER THING! I'm not eating carbs during the week, I'm not drinking during the week, I'm limiting sugar and I ALSO can't drink diet coke! It's double balls and bollocks!!!!

Ben: (pauses while he finishes his toast) Your skin looks better.

Me: I...! What?

Ben: Your skin is very bright. You’ve drinking more water, and you have less blemishes.

Me: ...Really?

Ben: Yes.

Me: Oh. Oh. Well. Wait, are you saying I had blemishes before?

(Ben puts his head in his hands)

Lessons in Libations at Le Mouton Rouge

Me: Darling, there’s a beer tasting at Le Mouton Rouge this Saturday.

Beau: Beer?

Me: Yes. Shall we go?

Beau: Beer. I mean, yes

…..The conversation sounded longer in my head.

Happy birthday to the blog, everyone look at me

(The world scampers to The DG’s office door, and raps upon it excitedly)

World: Come out! Come out! You must come out, it’s your birthday!

(Sound of empty bottles clattering to the floor)

Me: Hmm, what what? I’m awake, I’m awake, I was writing, I swear to God I was writing! (Sound of the Invictus advert playing on loop) Oh Christ, close down, close down! Where the hell is the mouse?!

World: But Demon Gin, you must come out, you’re one year old and there is fun to be had!

Me: (Rubbing bridge of nose) Ok could everyone just SHHHHHHH for FIVE seconds?! Okay…..okay…okay…(sound of bottle being opened)….okay, what’s going on?

Festive Ham in Ginger Beer & Spiced Cider

Making a ham are you? A nice festive ham? Got a bottle of cola and a bay leaf at the ready?

Well stop that right now. It being the season of goodwill, I have arrived just in time to bring you a new way of preparing your festive gammon, for ‘tis sure to fill your guests with delight, and joy, and some cement.

Under Lock & Key in The Pound

It was only a matter of time before the law caught up with me. Sooner or later, I knew I would have to pay for my crimes, that I'd find myself behind bars.

No, tiny darlings, I have not finally been locked up for my terrible debauchery, or for being drunk in charge of a lawnmower. I have instead been to visit Canterbury’s latest drinking emporium: The Pound.

Miracle Mascara and Fab Facial Oil

Today, I bring you something for the eyes, and something for the skin.

Everyone brace themselves - I think I’ve found my perfect mascaras. I know, I know – you’ve all been waiting for this day, wandering and hoping. I want to thank you all for supporting me through my struggles, it’s been emotional.

Grim Visages - Face Painting for Grown-Ups

Some people let their inner child out at Christmas. I let mine out at Halloween.

And also when I’m drinking gin and eating chicken at 1am and I find out Psycho is on TV.

My delightful friend Al (follow her on Twitter @algriffs) took a jaunt to the British Library at the end of October for a special evening party celebrating their sensational exhibition Terror & Wonder: The Gothic Imagination.

Terror and Wonder: The Gothic Imagination (Pic from The British Library)

A Very British Safari

Get your Christmas lists out, and throw them away. I have a new idea for you.

Sometimes, you’re just sitting there on a Friday afternoon thinking, “hmmm…I wish I could go on safari. In England.”

No, tiny darlings, I haven’t lost my mind. For such a feat is possible. In the heart of Kent, no less.

Recently, I was fortunate enough to do some work through my day job with the screamingly lovely people at Port Lympne Reserve in Lympne, Kent, and they kindly invited me along to a press night showcasing their safari accommodation.* It was the end of the season but once you’ve read this, you will have the edge on booking up the entirety of the 2015 season in advance.

Hence my reference to the Christmas gift. See? See? It all ties together.