How To Make No One Want You

Valentine's Day is a mere something weeks away, and no one wants to be alone on Valentines Day. No one does, not even those people who say “I'm spending it alone, I don't care, I don't even care, Valentine's Day can suck it.” You'll find them, soon enough, in a sex club with a red rose and a smile that says “literally anyone”.

And don't believe the couples who say they don't intend to mark it because they are above such stuff as their love is too strong/real/ancient. God help the man who takes whatever his woman says on this front seriously – buy her something, anything. Then look at whatever you've bought her, and make it bigger.

But I digress...

I know many of you are single, and I know you will never find love again because, let's face it, you just aren't trying. It is all your own fault. It's you, it's always YOU.

But don't lose hope! Don't you dare lose hope, and don't let anyone tell you that you will never find love again, because they don't know what they are talking about it. You just need to think outside of the box, and then stop thinking about the box. The box is the problem, not you. It's never you, it's always the box! (Stop re-reading what I just wrote, focus! FFS, this is why no one will date you!)

Right now you're probably feeling pretty confused, but thank your lucky opiates because I am here to help you. I can offer you invaluable advice on how to get someone to love you just as much as I do (not like that, stop coming on to your therapist - this isn't Prince of Tides!.....yeah, I didn't really see it either)

Just read the following easy to follow steps to follow, and it will all be okay. This advice is suitable for when you are due to go out on the town to scout for potential mates, or for when you have an actual probably blind date lined up.

1. Firstly, always prepare with a big glass of white wine. Drink the wine slowly, thinking about how sophisticated and cool you are going to be on tonight's adventure/date. You have the confidence inside of you, you just need to release it.
2. Get up, dress and go to work.
3. Spend your work day practising introductory conversation lines with your boss. If you have a meeting, make sure you pull out all attendees chairs for them (even if you are a woman), and compliment them on their lovely scent. If it's a stand up meeting, offer to take their coats or ties.
4. If you feel any nerves during the day, have more wine. You need to drink a lot for the wine to actually work.
5. When leaving work for the day, practice your wistful exit on your boss (if they are not around, find someone more senior). Walk away slowly, call their name, then look back and give them a lingering stare tinged with hope and sexual excitement. Then wave at them for three minutes and leave, sweepingly.
6. When you get home, put on your favourite record and dance around wildly to it to help you shake off the work day and get you limbered up. If your favourite record is anything country-based, take a good long hard look in the mirror and imagine why anyone would want to shag you.
7. Make sure you don't eat anything, because you will look fat. But drink all the wine and gin you want. If you feel sick, it's just nerves. Throw up and it will expel all the negativity from you. And some extra fat.
8. Choose your outfit – girls, make sure you show off your figure and ensure your earlobes are exposed AT ALL TIMES. Men, pick a nice shirt and jeans, and rub some dirt into each item to give the impression that you work outdoors all day, lifting logs and that you do manly stuff.
9. Leave the house or nothing will happen.
10. When you see the person you like the look of, or when you arrive for your date, walk straight up to them and get as close to their face as possible. But keep the conversation casual. Something like “Tottenham always try to walk it in” or “Chuh! Bloody Cameron, eh?”.
11. Offer them a drink. If they don't want one, order one yourself and drink it, then say “look it's easy! Come on, let's see if you can beat me!”
12. Having a meal? Remember that rule about getting fat. Order whatever you want, but scrap it under the table when the other person is not looking.
13. If the person you like is still talking to you at this stage, good conversation topics are: your family, the shape of your head, people you know who have died, all of your ex-partners, your children (if you don't have any, make some up), the economy.
14. Crisis! The date doesn't seem to be going well and the other person is losing interest. Offer to show them part of your body in exchange for more gin. They will see you as a smart business person, and they will respect you for it.
15. Have I said keep drinking? You need to keep drinking. Don't worry, you won't get drunk, no one gets drunk on dates.
16. If you feel tired at any point, go to the toilet and have a little sleep in one of the stalls. Set your phone alarm so you wake up after about 20mins, as this is optimum time for a nap.
17. You realise your potential future love has vanished – have they ditched you? Were you being sexy enough? Did they go off with another person? If in doubt, question everyone else in the venue until you get a straight answer.
18. People like people who can cook. Don't be afraid to cook on your date.
19. Men, show off your upper body strength by lifting a whole pint of water.
20. If you are in doubt at any point, take a deep breath and start from the beginning. Don't worry if it's the middle of the night and your office is shut; your boss will understand if you ring up and shout at them.
21. Always leave them wanting more – steal their wallet.
22. Never ever ever let anyone tell you that you aren't not a superstar!