Ten Things Not To Do…In The Event Of Sex

Essential advice for when you are most in need. Please don't listen to any of it.

1. Don’t suggest you both sing the national anthem at the end.
2. Don’t ring up your intended and have phone sex based on what you happen to be watching on the Discovery Channel at that point. E.g ‘I’m penetrating you at a fantastically fast rate and then I’m going to eat your offspring, and then pretty much just fuck off.’
3. Don’t count.
4. Don’t start crying uncontrollably at any point about the crisis in the Syria.
5. Don’t say ‘hurt me’ in a sweetly suggestive manner, and then scream for ten minutes straight when your partner obligingly tweaks your nipple.
6. While the other person is undressing, don't clap.
7. Don’t, when you and your prospective fuck-bunny are getting cosy in the lounge, suddenly produce bleech, brillo pads and slug pellets and then walk out the room with a wide-eyed stare.
8. If a pretty young thing has agreed to come back to your place for ‘coffee’, don’t make the hot beverage and then try to force it down their throat very quickly, muttering impatiently ‘come on, come on!’
9. Don’t keep narrowing your eyes and shaking your head very slowly when the other person nears climax, especially if you’ve personally had several orgasms by this time.
10. If you fail to find a woman’s G-Spot/clitoris/vagina, don’t punch her square in the face and say ‘Did I get it that time, HMMMM?!’